Grief In Spring

Tara Aquila — Wed, 20 Apr 2022 15:04:39 +0000

Grief In Spring Tara Aquila Wed, 04/20/2022 - 11:04

Spring is often a time of rebirth or renewal. Nature begins its dance towards warmer weather here in the Northeast. People take stock of their homes and often engaging in some kind of “spring cleaning”: dusting off the radiators, cleaning out a pantry, reorganizing a closet. Sometimes folks take a look at their fix-it list and tackle minor repairs that have been lingering for a while. Occasionally those repairs require breaking or taking apart the object in need of repair to assess the root of the problem.

There’s often a sense of hope or unburdening in these activities. Hope that the change in seasons or the warmer weather will shake the winter cold or remove the doldrums of short days. Folks look forward to that feeling of satisfaction in completing those repairs or when the closet has a newfound, and much needed, sense of order.

But what about grief? What does grief look like in spring time? Does grief get reborn, renewed or transformed? Let’s have a look at the Japanese art of Kintsugi – the art of mending broken pottery with gold. Kintsugi is a centuries old art form that is thought to have begun in the 15^th century when a Japanese Shogun, Ashikaga Yoshimasa, sent a damaged Chinese bowl back to China for repair. When the repaired bowl returned to Japan, it had metal staples. The Japanese craftsmen were rumored to be unhappy with the way it looked, and may have been inspired to find a different repair method. Essentially, they didn’t like the way the bowl was healed, so they took it upon themselves to find a method that worked for them.

Let’s turn that philosophy towards our grief. What parts of your healing process are working for you? What parts aren’t? Perhaps spring is a time to journal using Kintsugi concepts as prompts. Illuminate parts of your healing and transform them. Kintsugi does not attempt to hide the damage – in fact, it highlights the repair by making it out of gold, silver or platinum. Through death, your relationship with your loved one has transformed.

Perhaps this spring, it is time to illuminate those changes. How can you shine a spring light on where your loved one sits in your heart or in your life? There are a few major styles of kintsugi, crack method (using gold dust to attach broken pieces with minimal overlap), piece method (fill the entire space with the gold compound) and joint call method (find a similar but not matching piece to replace the missing piece). At this moment, the loss of your loved one may yield small cracks that need a minimal amount of repair, like gazing at a photograph or reminiscing with someone about a fond memory. Today, the loss may yield a larger missing piece that takes more resources to integrate that loss, maybe involving counseling or changes to every day habits in the service of healing. The absence of your loved one may yield a task or role that needs to be filled by another person, perhaps your grandson can come and take the garbage cans out on garbage night, maybe your granddaughter can take up the Sunday Night dinners.

Want to try your own “golden repair” at home? Here are two suggestions: “torn paper mosaic” and “pot repair”. For the torn paper mosaic, you’ll be transforming one object into another. Find some newspaper, construction paper or paper destined for the recycle bin and tear it up into smaller pieces. Then use those pieces to make a collage by sorting by color or style and creating an image on another piece of paper – a torn paper mosaic. Once you have your new image, use glue to affix the smaller pieces to your background paper.

For the “pot repair”, find a small flowerpot or small planter. If it’s not already broken, put it into a plastic bag and take a hammer to it – one good hit should suffice. Get some hardy glue to glue the pieces together again. Mix some food coloring or acrylic paint into that glue if you want to change the color of the glue before gluing the planter together. In the spirit of spring time, after the glue has dried, find a seedling or some seeds to plant in the flower pot or small planter. Whatever seedling or plant you give that new home to can be a representation of your loved one, a new way to connect with their memory while you watch the plant grow during spring time.

Blog tags

Managing Grief

Healing Process

Repair Methods

Dealing With Grief

Amy Romaine, MA, ATR-BC, LPC, ACS, ATCS, BC-TMH , Clinical Supervisor, Grief and Traumatic Loss Services

New Year, Now What? – Grief and the New Year

Tara Aquila — Thu, 27 Jan 2022 17:39:37 +0000

New Year, Now What? – Grief and the New Year Tara Aquila Thu, 01/27/2022 - 12:39

It’s 2022 and for some, January 1^st comes with the stark reminder that this year will begin without their loved one. Again. Or for the first time. While others are reveling in a “fresh start” or “resolutions for the new me”, those who are grieving may be wondering how they are going to make it through another year without those who died. Many find it hard to be optimistic this time of year. Others find great comfort in a concrete marker of passing time or making it through the first year without their loved one.

How can we process our current state of grief with the start of the new year? We can reflect on our relationship with those who’ve died and rise up their memory.

Journaling can help get thoughts and feelings out of our head and on to paper. Some people like journaling prompts while others prefer to free write, either until they feel like they’re done or by setting a timer. Drawing is another way to encourage reflection. Before drawing, we can set an intention statement (I want to release my suffering), focus on a person (my loved one who died) or by asking ourselves a question (what do I need most to heal in this moment?). Starting with a blank page and making marks when inspired (doodling with lines, dots, squiggles, shapes, etc.) works for some while others prefer to use a coloring sheet like a mandala. While drawing, we will observe thoughts and feelings coming and going, some of which we will want to pause and engage with, others we will want to nod briefly at and watch them move on.

Part of rising up someone’s memory is incorporating them into our lives. We can find many opportunities to do so, from starting our day off by picking a special mug and having “coffee with dad”, to cooking mom’s favorite dinner or sharing a “movie night with uncle” and watching his favorite movie. We can also make space for them during anniversaries, holidays, events or milestones. Sometimes this is a quiet gesture, like wearing aunt’s favorite necklace. Other times, it’s making space for a moment of silence to remember those who have died or placing a photo of our loved one in a prominent place during the event.

Grief does not follow a set path, so sometimes it can be a good reminder that feeling uncomfortable or ill at ease is a normal part of the healing journey. A griever’s needs can change from day to day and it is important to realize that and adjust accordingly. While it may feel like it, we are not alone in our grief. We will get through this together.

For Camden and Gloucester county residents who have been affected by gun violence, loss due to homicide or children who have been impacted by substance use in the home and Essex county youth who have been impacted by substance use in the home, please look at our Grief and Traumatic Loss Services for support: https://www.centerffs.org/our-services/victim-trauma-services/grief-traumatic-loss-services

Blog tags

Grief and the New Year

Grief and Needs

Amy Romaine, MA, ATR-BC, LPC, ACS, ATCS, BC-TMH

Clinical Supervisor, Grief and Traumatic Loss Services