The Expert Angle

Parenting - Giving Children Choices. Part III

Tara Aquila — Tue, 31 Aug 2021 15:44:51 +0000

Parenting - Giving Children Choices. Part III Tara Aquila Tue, 08/31/2021 - 11:44

Giving Children Choices Part Three

When I was raising my two boys, I was learning about giving choices. One winter's day, we took a walk in Washington Crossing State Park. It was here I decided to practice my new skill.

"OK, guys, we can take this trail or that trail. What's your choice?"

"Do you want to rest now, or shall we keep going?"

"I have a snack; do you want an orange or an apple?"

Sometimes they would ask me to do something.

"Can we go explore that area?"

"Can we sit on the stone wall?"

I would consciously try to frame it as a choice. "Yes, that is a good choice. I'm glad you thought of that." Rather than saying, "Yea" or simply "OK.” But this is not the point of the story. What happened next during the trip, I found amazing.

We came to a very unsafe-looking bridge. It was ice-covered and looked poorly constructed. Ed immediately asked, "Can we cross the bridge?" Instinctively I would respond with a loud "No!" But I calmed myself and said, "OK guys, you know I have been giving you choices this whole trip, but this time there is no choice here, that bridge is unsafe and icy, there is no choice, we are not crossing it."

To my amazement, both agreed, and we continued walking. Why was this so amazing? Ed was one of those kids that if you told him not to touch something, he had to touch it. I wouldn't say he was oppositional, but it was close. I think this was the first time Ed simply did what I asked without an argument or even ten thousand reasons why he should cross the bridge.

To be honest, it was just a good guess that I phrased my response that way ("Look, I been giving you choices all along, there is no choice here."). Years later, I found out that this technique has an official name. It's called "Cashing in.”

I discovered this when watching a video lecture from the parenting program “Love and Logic.” The lecturer described it as a bank account, you give children choices, lots of them, but when it comes to times that they cannot make a choice, you withdraw from the account. "Look, I've been giving you choices, but sometimes, I need to make a choice here." In general, children find this a reasonable argument and will not challenge you when you need to take over and choose for them.

One more thing about cashing in; it seems to work best if there is a reasonable explanation for not giving a choice.

"There is no choice here because it is unsafe."

"There is no choice here because, as the grown-up, I understand that this is not going so well, so I will stop it now."

If the child wants a more detailed explanations about why they cannot choose, you should provide them. However, in my experience, if you carefully explain why, you are denying the choice, the first explanation is usually enough.

Blog tags

The Expert Angle

Parenting

New Jersey

South Jersey

Richard Lange, Ph.D., LPC, LCSW

Parenting - Giving Children Choices. Part II

Mary Beth Woodward — Mon, 09 Aug 2021 13:46:59 +0000

Parenting - Giving Children Choices. Part II Mary Beth Woodward Mon, 08/09/2021 - 09:46

In the last blog post, I talked about how giving children choices gives them some sense of power and control in their lives. Remember, children all day long are being told what to do. By providing children small choices in their lives, they feel that they have some say or some ability to make decisions independently.

In this part, we continue to discuss two different “choices” methods, the “forced choice” and the “alternative choice.”

Some children will refuse to make a choice. For example, you said to your child, “do you want to have milk or orange juice with your breakfast?”. Now, just to test to see if they have any power, some children will respond, “Neither, I am not going to choose.”

There are two ways of dealing with this. First, if the child is under six years (somehow it doesn’t work for children over six), you simply say, “Well, neither is a choice, I will give you one last chance to choose, and if you don’t make a choice, I will choose for you.” Surprisingly young children will always give in (they don’t want the power to be taken from them), “OK, I’ll take the milk.”

Over six, they might not buy this and dig their heels in: “I don’t care; I’m not going to drink either.” Here you can switch to the “alternative choice.”

“OK, maybe you are not in the mood for milk or orange juice. What would you like to drink? But one of the choices cannot be soda.” (Notice here you are giving what are called limited choices—this, this, but not this.) The child might have in mind they wanted to drink all along. “I want cholate milk.” Problem solved.

Or it could be possible they were just testing their power, and they might be thrown off that they can make a choice and are not prepared to decide what to drink, so they might ask, “What else do you have to drink.” So here again, you can use the limited choices, “Well, you can have cholate milk, water, yogurt drink, but no soda.”

Blog tags

center for family services

Richard Lange, Ph.D., LPC, LCSW

Parenting - Giving Children Choices. Part I

Mary Beth Woodward — Tue, 20 Jul 2021 20:05:05 +0000

Parenting - Giving Children Choices. Part I Mary Beth Woodward Tue, 07/20/2021 - 16:05

Image the daily life of a child.

"Elijah, you need to get up for school now.”

“Elijah, you need to brush your teeth now!”

“Elijah, stop yelling at your sister and get down here.”

“Elijah, do you have your bookbag? Where is your homework?”

“Elijah, you need to hurry, or you will miss the bus."

When Elijah gets to school, it starts again.

"No running on the playground!”

“Put your pencils away now.”

“No talking in the hallway."

From the time a child gets up to when they are ready for bed, children are being told what to do. So, it's no wonder some children will rebel against this. "Stop telling me what to do!" "I know, I know!" and the famous "You’re not the boss of me!"

These outbursts are not meant to be rude; they are reactions to a life of being told what to do all the time. While children still need directions (children cannot be left to make all their decisions, they are simply too young), there can be minor decisions children can make on their own, ones which give them the impression that they have some say in their lives and are not always being told what to do.

In the next couple of articles, I will explore this topic in more depth, but to get us started, we can explore some straightforward choices that children can be given to help them feel that they have some say in their lives to feel more empowered.

Start by giving your children simple choices.

"It's time for bed. Do you want to wear your yellow pajamas or red ones?"

"It's bath time. Do you want bubbles in the bath or not?"

"It's time for homework. Do you to do it at the kitchen table or in your room?"

Notice that these choices are simple, but more importantly, the parent is still in charge of the situation. Poor use of options would be "Do you want to go to bed or not?" That gives the child too much power. Bedtime is not a choice. Bedtime should be a regular set time (with some exceptions). However, what pajamas they wear can be a choice.

Think about what simple things you can let your children choose.

A shirt to go out and play: " "Do you want to wear the blue or yellow shirt."

How to help around the house: "I need help. Do you want to sweep the floor or help me unpack these groceries?"

And schedules: "Do you want to do your homework right after school or wait until later?"

Check back soon for more parenting tips!

Blog tags

Richard Lange, Ph.D., LPC, LCSW

Mental Health Wellness - Tips & Activities to Stay Grounded. Part IV

Mary Beth Woodward — Mon, 21 Jun 2021 15:13:45 +0000

Mental Health Wellness - Tips & Activities to Stay Grounded. Part IV Mary Beth Woodward Mon, 06/21/2021 - 11:13

"You are what you eat." You might have heard this phrase at some time in your life. It comes from a French phrase from 1826, "Dis-moi ce que tu manges, je te dirai ce que tu es." [Tell me what you eat, and I will tell you what you are]. Slightly different, but you get the point. "You are what you eat" originated with an idea in Europe in 1800 that "the food one eats a bearing on one's state of mind and health." Well, people in 1800 were correct. There is more and more evidence that food can have an impact on your mental health.

According to Dr. Jacka, the Director of the Food and Mood Center at Deakin University, "Eating a salad is not going to cure depression but here's a lot you can do to live your mood and improve your mental health, and it can be as simple as increasing your intake of plants and healthy foods." (New York Times May 18, 2021)

What are some of these foods? The less processed foods you can eat, such as hot dogs, potato chips, and stuff like that, and the more natural foods, such as green, nuts, beans, and even a little dark chocolate, can improve your mood. There are also recommendations for good "gut" foods (ones that will enhance your gut bacteria), such as yogurt, fermented foods, and seafood. (New York Time 18 2021)

It also seems that people who switch to a healthier diet save money. One study found that the average person spent $138 on food a week, but after switching to more healthy diet, the average went down to $112.

There is a lot of reading to be done on the topic, but to get started check out the following articles:

https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/food-and-mood-is-there-a-connection

https://www.nutritionist-resource.org.uk/articles/nutrition-and-mental-health.html

Blog tags

Richard Lange, Ph.D., LPC, LCSW

Mental Health Wellness; Getting outside

Tara Aquila — Thu, 03 Jun 2021 16:28:02 +0000

Mental Health Wellness; Getting outside Tara Aquila Thu, 06/03/2021 - 12:28

If you are looking for a quick mental health boost, researchers recommend getting outside. They have shown that just being outside can help people feel more mentally healthy. It feels that science has caught up with what people already know: how many times have you, when you felt upset, just wanted to “get some fresh air.” Well, it turns out that it works.

Researchers have shown that being outside can reduce muscle tension and blood pressure, boosts endorphin levels and dopamine production, and makes us more creative. Plus, it does not take much time for this to happen. While ideally one should be outside for up to an hour to get the full benefits, the benefit can kick in as little as fifteen minutes.

Here are some tips to help you get started. The best, of course, is a walk in the park, or on a beach. It does not have to be every day, but if you can manage two or three times a week, that would be ideal.

For many of us, access to a park or beach is difficult to get to, but local small green areas seem to work just as well. New Jersey has an Open Space Database where you can search free green spaces to explore by county.

If you don’t have transportation or have a disability that prevents you from traveling, find ways to sit outside during the day. Take your computer to the backyard and work outside for a while. Take a short walk around the block. Sometimes just opening the window and sitting in the fresh air can help.

Are you interested in talking one-on-one with a professional? Call Center For Family Services’ Access line at 877.922.2377 or email access@centerffs.org. Our Access support team will work with you to set you up with a professional counselor who can help.

Blog tags

Richard Lange, Ph.D., LPC, LCSW

Volunteer Service: A Pathway to Your Purpose

Tara Aquila — Thu, 27 May 2021 18:29:30 +0000

Volunteer Service: A Pathway to Your Purpose Tara Aquila Thu, 05/27/2021 - 14:29

There’s an intrinsic desire in all of us to be part of something bigger than ourselves. One of the best ways to do that is to be a volunteer. Growing up, service was seamlessly integrated into my life by my parents. Being of service to others and involved in my community, are core values that I’m lucky were passed down on both sides of my family.

We all have a civic responsibility to take care of the world around us. Because of the systems in place, and the unequal distribution of and access to resources, not everyone has the available time, financial ability, or energy to volunteer in a traditional way.

Volunteer experiences opened my worldview and following college graduation, it was a natural fit to serve for a year as a member of AmeriCorps VISTA (Volunteers in Service to America) at Center For Family Services. VISTA helped me to confront the reality that opportunities to serve aren’t universally accessible.

If we lived in a truly equitable society, the need to volunteer wouldn’t exist. Imagine it. There would adequate, safe housing for all; no need to haul you hammer to Habitat for Humanity. Everyone would have access to nutritious foods; food drives would be a thing of the past. Corporations would be restricted from dumping waste into drinking water; your annual river clean up could instead be a day to bask in the breeze.

But America has a long way to go to even get close to that vision. And so, we must use our time and what we uniquely have to offer to make our country more livable for everyone around us.

Muhammad Ali said it best: “Service to others is the rent you pay for your room on earth.” I volunteer because I believe it is my duty and part of my purpose.

It’s a privilege to have had my parents show me the way, and that they had the time to give. I recognize this is not true for everyone. But service doesn’t need to be formal or structured to be impactful. It doesn’t even need to be consistent, just intentional.

At Center For Family Services, we view volunteering as an opportunity for everyone. Whether your schedule allows you to volunteer once a year, or once a month, we have an option for you. If you don’t mind taking a drive, or if you prefer to serve from home, there’s plenty you can do.

So you want to be the best volunteer you can be. Where to begin?

Start by thinking about what you have to offer, whether that’s a hobby, or talent, or something that lights you up from the inside out. Be clear with how much of your time you’re able to give. Be intentional about the role you want to play, and the type of cause to which you want to devote yourself.

As someone whose been in the role of a volunteer coordinator and a volunteer, my must-haves for a great volunteer are:

A positive and receptive attitude
Listening to understand (not necessarily to respond)
Willingness to learn
Letting go of preconceived ideas about what people need, and how things should go
Understanding of your time and your boundaries
An open heart, open mind, and open ears

Openness will take you far, and will help you earn the trust of those with whom you’re serving and those you’re intending to help. Our best volunteers are up for anything, know what they can give, ask questions, and take direction well. These qualities help you to understand how things work, the best ways to help, and in time, how your specific knowledge and talents can enhance what you offer to a volunteer program.

If you want to volunteer:

Once a year – Be a team captain for the Empower Run & Walk
Once a week – Lead playtime at Mother Child
Once or twice a month – Become a mentor
Long term – Serve with AmeriCorps
With your children – Start a neighborhood-wide backpack drive
With your coworkers – Host a collection and packing day for Healing Kits
By yourself (that’s cool too) - Pack a Birthday Box for a child in our safe homes, promote a cause or fundraise via social media

What if you’re volunteering to learn a skill, enhance your mental health, or meet new people?

Do you enjoy meeting new people? Become a greeter at our Family Success Centers.

Want to learn more about eliminating hunger? Help out at Hope Mobile. Are you an aspiring horticulturalist or just need some time outdoors? Volunteer for a day of tree planting your local park. Do you find sorting and organizing to be meditative? Volunteer to host a collection and pack items in our Recovery Kits. Are you feeling angry about voter suppression laws? Join a phone banking event, or letter writing campaign to your elected officials.

Volunteering isn’t one size fits all, and there truly is a place for everyone.

Who do we become when we volunteer?

Volunteering at its core is a mutually beneficial act. When we volunteer, we’re motivated by a few different factors. We want to make the world a better place. We want to touch a life. We want to feel good about how we spend our time. We want to be recognized for making an impact. We want to help someone, like we were once helped. We want to leave something behind that tips the scale toward optimism and increases opportunities for others.

Which of these do you relate to? What is your intention when you volunteer?

Self-motivation is okay, it’s human. The intention to develop new skills does not negate your desire to improve the conditions of your neighbors.

For young people it may be a pathway to a career. For families, it may be a way to expand horizons. For retired folks, it may be a way to stay social. Volunteering provides many ways to try new things, make a friend, and seek your purpose through service.

Volunteering gives us the chance to explore parts of ourselves that otherwise, may be left as untapped potential. You may become a steward to the earth. A child’s trusted mentor. A painter. A compassionate listener. A teacher.

Volunteering, gives you a chance to talk with others who are motivated by the desire to help, and individuals who may not share the same lived experiences but with whom there is so much common ground.

You may become an advocate for a cause that touches your heart. You will become more empathetic to others whose lives don’t look exactly like yours. You become more informed, with real-world examples of not just problems but also potential solutions. Solutions that you’re a part of.

When you talk about volunteering, you educate others. Service opens your mind to more information that you then pass along. You never know who it may reach.

Your service may spark altruism in others. On a walk in my neighborhood one morning during the pandemic-springtime, I met an older gentleman, and his senior dog as they picked up trash around a community center. No one was coming to the center while its doors were shuttered and the pool was empty. But knowing there were kids in the area, and people craving the peace of an afternoon walk, he wanted to be sure the neighborhood was clean and safe. At a time when we were all distancing, watching the world shift out from under us, I really needed that. A quick conversation, pleasant exchange, and an affirmation that others care deeply about where they live.

One man, deciding to spend his morning in this way improved the view, the safety of kids playing nearby, and the wellness of a neighbor’s pet with a tendency to eat sidewalk goodies. Sure, he was getting his exercise and fresh air too. But it was the one step more that he took to ensure his actions had meaning beyond just helping himself. Service sends a message, whether it’s witnessed or not.

Go volunteer and explore this wonderful opportunity!

Being a person who contributes positively to your community is very opened ended. And it doesn’t take a ton of effort, typically you get to decide! Explore your local opportunities on Volunteer Match, through the NJ Governor’s Office on volunteerism, on our website, or through your local Volunteer Center.

There are causes and people in need of help that are specifically looking for what YOU have to offer. And along the way, you might learn something about yourself, become an advocate, meet a person you’re meant to know, or even find your purpose.

Blog tags

Corporate Volunteerism

Corporate Social Responsibility

Marissa Cantu

Director of Community Relations Development & Public Relations

Mental Health Wellness - Tips & Activities to Stay Grounded. Being Social, Part II

Mary Beth Woodward — Fri, 14 May 2021 14:10:53 +0000

Mental Health Wellness - Tips & Activities to Stay Grounded. Being Social, Part II Mary Beth Woodward Fri, 05/14/2021 - 10:10

In the previous post on mental health wellness, we talked about the need to meet with a friend face-to-face, either just talking or eating together. However, some people have only a few or no friends. In this post and the next, we share recommendations on how to be social even if you don’t have many friends.

One way to start to be social is simply to be around people. Go to a park and sit where people are milling around or walking. Walk-in a shopping center and enjoy just being there. If you happen to live close to or near one of the shore towns, take a walk on the boardwalk. I knew a woman who was recovering from an abusive marriage. She did not have any friends and was having a hard time trusting people. Once a week, she would head down to, as she called it, “walk the boards.” She never interacted with anyone or tried to start up a conversation, she just wanted to be around people, and she loved it. She was always disappointed if the weather prevented her walk. I always noticed that she seemed brighter and happier after her walk.

Another simple way to become more social is to sit in on religious services. Just being there is also an excellent way to be social without having to do any interactions. Most places of worship welcome new members. While it would be great to join the choir or a group, many people might find that overwhelming in the beginning. Best to start small. Attend a few services, and notice if people begin to greet you. Once you feel comfortable, you might want to participate more and more.

The following advice is a bit odd but fun. Get more haircuts. Hairdressers are natural talkers. You can practice your social skills and begin to make connections. Plus, hairdressers tend to know activities and stuff going on in the area, so you might even make a connection. On the same token, rather than shopping at the large grocery market where no one knows you, try shopping at a trying a small store, butcher shop, or small vegetable stand. The more you come in, the more they will know you and start up conversations.

Are you interested in talking one-on-one with a professional? Call the Center For Family Services’ Access line at 877.922.2377 or email or email access@centerffs.org. Access will work with you to set you up with a professional counselor who can help.

Blog tags

mental health

wellness

The Expert Angle

mental health awareness month

well being

professional care

center for family services

social services

Richard Lange, Ph.D., LPC, LCSW