They Called it a Murder/Suicide Intimate Partner Domestic Violence and Suicide: A Compound Tragedy

Tara Aquila — Mon, 22 Jan 2024 17:56:07 +0000

They Called it a Murder/Suicide Intimate Partner Domestic Violence and Suicide: A Compound Tragedy Tara Aquila Mon, 01/22/2024 - 12:56

They called it a ‘murder/suicide’. It was on the news, social media, and in the minds of all who lived in this a small suburban town in New Jersey that I call home. A father killed his 16-year-old son, his wife, and then himself. This horrific event was, in fact, an act of domestic violence.

This blog was written with the intention of bringing awareness to the correlation between Intimate Partner Domestic Violence (IPDV) and Suicide.

Suicide and domestic violence can lie within, yet are often times not explored as co-occurrences. Both are incredibly devastating, tragically impactful to one’s family and communities alike. In many cases those most closely impacted will seek counseling or therapeutic care to heal. This blog will share insight on these co-occurrences and ultimately offer awareness and resources for those struggling in a DV situation or needing to heal from exposure to a situation alike.

When a perpetrator of domestic violence takes the life of their partner intentionally and then themselves, it is called Intimate Partner Homicide-Suicide (IPHS). IPHS accounts for an estimated 2% of suicides. Close to 600 murder-suicides happen yearly in the United States accounting for approximately 1,500 deaths. Often times these incidents involve two people in a relationship or former relationship. Meaning the two parties have since separated making the victim even more unsuspecting. Violent acts are most often perpetrated by intimate partners and evolve out of relationship dissatisfaction, substance use or mental illness.

This compound tragedy of IPDV and suicide can be observed from the IPHS angle or from the angle in which a victim takes their life after no longer able to bare the situation taking place between themselves and their partner. The loss of life in either scenario is tragic and can impact those around the deceased with trauma and feelings of guilt. The feeling of guilt can appear as typically those dealing with a DV situation keep it private until it is too late leaving those close to the victim left with a feeling of what if.

Help is available. Through many different resources nationally and through services offered at Center For Family Services. Mental health resources and domestic violence resources can be found by visiting our website.

Center For Family Services’ SERV Program - Services Empowering Rights of Victims (SERV) offers services for children, adults, and families who have experienced or witnessed domestic violence, including case management, advocacy, counseling, safe housing, safety planning, and police and court accompaniments.
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence and needs to talk, our hotline is a free, 24-hour phone service that will pair you with a SERV advocate. 866-295-7378
Counseling and Behavioral Health Services can be found through Center For Family Services – Private, confidential counseling services for a variety of causes 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline
The 988 Lifeline is a national network of local crisis centers that provides free and confidential emotional support to people in suicidal crisis or emotional distress 24 hours a day, 7 days a week in the United States.

Anyone who reads this blog can help just by taking in this information and allowing your mind to create a space to recognize that this can be happening to your neighbor, your co-worker, your family member or perhaps even yourself. You can ask the questions “Are you okay?” and “Are you safe?”. You may not get a direct answer in response, but you just may have planted a seed that could create movement at some point.

One thing is for sure, that suicide and IPDV are both steeped in shame and secrecy. You can help by reaching out. You can help just by asking the questions. In conclusion, there is a great deal of underlying and outright violence in intimate relationships, which is exacerbating the risk of suicide.

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For more information on this topic please see below a link to a study shared in 2019 published to the National Library of Medicine.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6420923/

Blog tags

Traumatic Loss

Sandra McBeth, LCSW

The Zero Suicide Committee

“Yes…And” – Celebrating Holidays While Grieving

Tara Aquila — Mon, 20 Dec 2021 14:40:22 +0000

“Yes…And” – Celebrating Holidays While Grieving Tara Aquila Mon, 12/20/2021 - 09:40

This time of year can hold many challenges: colder weather, shorter days, less sunlight, increased stress, more responsibilities (home, work, school, financial), planning for holidays, interacting with distant family members. Now add grieving to that list and see how it colors everything else.

Grief is like a lens that colors how we see things, how we act, how we feel and how we interact with others. Survivor guilt can make us feel like we don’t deserve to be happy and celebrate. We can feel angry when we don’t feel others are grieving enough. Grieving during the holidays reminds us that, everyone grieves in their own way in their own time and that there are complicated and sometimes opposing aspects of grief.

Yes, we are grieving, and we are …..celebrating…laughing…cooking…feeling joy….being with others.

This complicated, confusing experience is not only okay, but to be expected. There is a model of grief called the Dual Process model. This model explains that we ping-pong back and forth between “loss-oriented” experiences, such as feeling sad, missing our loved one, being triggered by reminders, and “restoration-oriented” experiences, such as trying new things, finding joy, distracting ourselves from the grieving process. It’s a natural process that can feel uncomfortable at the best of times and painful at others. So how can we cope? What do we do?

For those familiar with Improv theater, one of the theater games actors play is called “Yes, And!” This game “forces actors to avoid rejecting other cast members' ideas, and, instead, to find a way to go with the flow”. At least two people are tasked with upholding the conversation, no matter how ridiculous it gets, by using the connector “yes, and” to start their next statement. The premise being, that if you were to say, “no, but”, it would create tension and end the conversation, which does not make good theater.

Seeing as grief is a something that is going to ebb and flow throughout our lifetime, finding a way to say “yes, and” to our grief will help us go with the flow and find a new path forward with our grief. It can show up in moments where you’re cooking your loved one’s favorite meal as tears roll down your face. The thought can pop up “oh no, another holiday without them”.

You can say “yes, I miss them, I wish they weren’t’ gone and I can savor their memory by savoring a piece of their favorite pie.” This may lead to a smile as you think of a past whipped cream fight during dessert.

Or not, which is okay too.

Center For Family Services’ counselors provide comprehensive, multi-component support and recovery interventions following a traumatic event in schools, in the community, agencies serving youth, and businesses. Center For Family Services can provide on-site support and teach coping skills to help survivors manage their feelings and heal. For more information on our services that support individuals affected by gun violence, homicide, suicide, and substance use, visit our Grief and Traumatic Loss Services page.

Here are some additional articles that may be helpful this time of year.

8 Tips for Remaining Present at the Holidays

7 Ways to Go Easy on Yourself While Grieving at the Holidays

Guilt and Grief during the Holiday Season

Blog tags

Holidays and Loss

Grieving and the Holidays

Traumatic Loss

Navigate Grief

Survivor Guilt

Amy Romaine, MA, ATR-BC, LPC, ACS, ATCS, BC-TMH

Clinical Supervisor, Grief and Traumatic Loss Services